Scientology, I cannot get over it



Several year after leaving Scientology, I am still suffering from its effects. The most important part of my life was and is to give my children the best childhood. But now I am in a situation that cannot be fixed anymore. The damage is done. Day after day painful thoughts come back and capture my attention. It hurts to have seen all this.
My wife was willing to destroy everything and everyone. She even included herself.

What for?
To be on courses, to do Scientology, to gain powers that do not exist.
How to have a successful family? Why do a course for something that is right in front of you? Now, there is nothing left and she would really need such course.

She destroyed her and other lives thoroughly. In her view everybody was suppressive. Her parents, my parents, her relatives, my relatives, the government, the psychs, her BFF … just her cousin that she hated, she suddenly became her best friend.

After the divorce she quickly ran out of time and money. That means she cannot even do Scientology anymore – but the WAR was all about Scientology, wasn’t it?
Looking at the present situation would make her past actions terribly wrong. Still, she considers herself being a dedicated Scientologist. She is grasping at straws like many other Scientologists.

Forgiving her is tough. The destruction has been awful. My ex-wife is far away from awakening. With her “Fair Game” activities she crossed the threshold to hell.
This is an important part of cults. They make you do something really bad. The victim digs himself/herself a hole, too deep to leave. What a good strategy. You choose the sides and any confession would immediately kill you. Well, it is a metaphor, but this is pretty much how it works.

I guess Scientology added a positive entry into her ethics folder. They will suddenly see the entry differently as soon as she dares (if she ever does) to question the organisation.

How can anybody forgive anyone, who has not even come close to taking responsibility. And how can any cult member ever get there? You are blinded! Sweet lies are much easier to confront.

Will my wife ever be able to see again? And how should I react when she wakes up too late? I mean, it is quite easy to admit something after it has become obvious. Let’s say the cult is closing down. What is the value of penitence at that late stage?
When a robber runs away with all the cash, then there is some value of returning the money before he has been caught. But what is the value of returning the money after he has been caught and forced to give up?

This question is driving me nuts. I want to fix the family as much as I can. At the same time I know that I would have to accept further punches below the belt to do so. Is that greatness or that pure stupidity?

I have to fight against the devil, at the same time I cannot fight against the devil as I would destroy the ones I love most – my children. I finally understand Friedrich Schiller inside out. The hero has to suffer. His duties are more important. He decides against his desires.

But what are my duties? This question remains open. How can I fight the evil and not destroy myself at the same time?
I am the one who never needed any help or advice. I have always been ahead of others. My past success stories were outstanding. Then I came across my wife, who would not dare to “inform herself honestly” and rather destroy the family.

This time I have no clue. This was not part of any calculation. This was not forseeable. This was pure insanity. Treason! I was stabbed into my back.
Now, I do need help to go through all this. But I cannot imagine anyone being able to rewind the time. And even if anybody could rewind the time … I guess I would do a lot pretty much the same way again. Hence, it seems to be my fortune.

Schiller, I finally understand.


12 thoughts on “Scientology, I cannot get over it

  1. You know the cult has no interest in taking care of her, so your decision will come down to what you will do. I think a piece of her will always belong to the cult. You have to decide if you can live with that or if you need to walk away. Complete trust is no longer on the table in my case but empathy wins out. You will struggle with your anger, because who can forget what it feels like to come in at second place or not at all when up against the cult. Know you do not have to help, and if you do help you still have the right to withdraw your help at anytime.

  2. I too was married to a Scientologist. I have felt the same exact way. I too feel my x destroyed our family. Deep down I still love her, but I know I can never go back. I have a daughter who may end up being caught up in said cult. I worry about that almost every day. When will her mother make her disconnect from me?

    I do know the pain and anguish of, which you speak. I had not planned to be up late this evening and yet something possesses me to read this post. I am glad I did. Now I know there is someone else out there who can relate completely with what I have been through.

    Most people cringe when I tell them even part of my story. Some think less of me for falling for a scientologist, and yet others have no idea what to make of it at all. I am not sure I know what to make of it for that matter.

    This cult destroys families without a thought. They seem to get off on seeing families destroyed.

    I can say it has made me work harder to effect change in regards to the nightmare that is scientology. Although I am killing myself working as hard as I am, I see no other alternative. I will not give up on saving my daughter. I also will not bend a knee and surrender to her mother. I will not go quietly into the night. I will not sit idly by and just watch as it unfolds. I may not follow the norm, but I will not give up either. I also will not use the same tactics used by the cult. Yet, for the sake of my sanity, I still cannot speak to my x wife because I want to make her see what she refuses to see on her own.

    The biggest challenge I face is that I tried scientology and immediately saw the fallacy of their methods. It only took two course to see that they do not practice what they preach.

    Now that I know there are others out there just like me, I will fight harder knowing I am not alone. My fight will be for all who were duped into this cult and watched as their families were torn apart. Those who felt pain that only comes with being unable to answer the question of: “What happened?”

    For all the reasons mentioned above, I thank you for your post. May you find a peace that is so illusive to those who have loved members of this cult and been left wondering why.

      • It does sting no matter the lenght however, that was a good part of your life and more life changing.

    • That guy
      Many thanks for your long comment. We are contemporary witness. And telling our stories does help others. Every little helps.
      I wish I could go into far more detail. But I cannot risk another Fair Game attack. People have tried to contact me. Not even one got my name or phone number.
      My purpose is to destroy the cult. And yes, I am an SP for them. What an honour!
      As I promised on my first post. This blog will be active as long as the cult exists.

      • That is exactly why I am that guy. I know the havoc that cult can play in the lives of people that oppose them.

  3. Incredible stories from the both of you and yet this is just standard and par for the course when it comes to Scientology. The public just knows about the expensive courses, Travolta, Cruise, and the kooky ideas and image of the cult. The sheer immorality, disconnection of family, and vicious treatment of those who have now seen through the fraud is something else that the public seems not to know much about.

    I pray for both of you and will do what I can to spread the word about this insane, evil cult even if all I can do is to talk about it with friends.

  4. BFM I came to your post from today’s Mike Rinder comment roll. I remember a story that was hush hush when I was in years ago. A woman had gone off for training to Flag and fell in love with her twin who was staff far away. She had kids. She left her Scientologist and children. He stayed in hurt and devastated. A few years later he met someone. She was from his work and not a Scientologist. They got married and he slowly drifted away, with now three children. I got that they became a very strong and happy family.
    He was more present and really wanted it to work. She came back into town having realized five years on that she’d made a mistake.
    She wanted to see her kids. I heard from a friend that she was devastated as she realized that he and not her now ex-husband was her everything.
    She was wrecked by what she’d done. She drifted off and moved away somewhere and I heard no more about her.
    I wonder if she realized the part that the cherch played in her horrid life choices.
    When I decided to leave I am grateful that my spouse left with me. The love grew stronger and the commitment to truth and caring for the family, much stronger.
    Your story makes me tear up. I thank God or maybe myself that I gradually became a “bad” scientologist in my final years. And that my spouse who was more “active” was also not fully onboard.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I have no advice other than love your family that you have left and if none, find a new one and hold on tight and hike and dance and philosophize and waste time sometimes and try something new and untried and perhaps ill-advised. And don’t keep a stat on it. Other than you just did something you never would have done while “in.”

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