Even as a child I used to say that the likelihood to believe in the right religion – aka the truth – was minuscule and definitely less than one in a thousand. There are simply too many religions and all believe in different gods or objects. Some say that most religions have a common denominator, but to me it always sounds like an excuse to not confront the low probability. Can you imagine that 99% or more of all religious people life a big fat lie? All you do, all you believe in, your so called stable datum … all just a wrong item. Besides proclaimed spirituality, there is not much left to compare. What does a god with an elephant head (Ganesh) and Satan share?
I have always been the scientific guy, who never liked religious leaders. I believe that it takes a lot of scientific people to achieve something, not just one messiah. From the very beginning I was feeling weird when applauding to Hubbard’s picture or bust. I didn’t want to stand out or annoy anyone. But later on I simply stopped doing so. It caused this feeling of discomfort no matter if I did it or not. There was no point in lying and playing the overwhelmed disciple.
When I joined Scientology I knew about its bad reputation. I was one of the rare guys walking into an Org without any body router. I bought the Dianetics book and left right away.
I thought that some courses would be interesting; just to see if there was something to get out of it. Even at school I had voluntarily attended religious education despite not being convinced at all. Yes, as mentioned in one of my first posts, I am open minded. This is called PTS (Potential Trouble Source) in Scientology. I was always wondering what was so bad about informing yourself honestly and looking from all sides and angles. In the end my openness was what drove me into Scientology. I did one course, another one and then one more – 12 courses in the first year. I thought it would be cool to be an OT and to be able to go exterior at will and with full perceptions. That was my main purpose. But frankly, I was wondering why there were hardly any publics. I mean, if people go exterior, why would they not disseminate like mad? This is the missing piece that would convince everybody, right? My inner explanation was that it had to do with Scientology’s bad reputation.
Within weeks I had paid in my entire academy to Clear. I started on the Purif. The registrar explained they had their own doctor. There was this weird feeling again. Something was wrong. I accepted the doctor, who was a member of that Org and visited his private home on a weekend. He took his stethoscope and performed some basic health tests. He did not write any bill and only accepted cash.
My first real auditing started with a Security Check. In a nutshell – it made me feel really bad. I personally do not appreciate at all when people don’t trust me. Quite to the contrary, I have never disappointed someone who was trusting me. It is a good feeling to be trusted and to not disappoint someone.
In the first weeks I talked to many people. I remember one story with a roughly 45 year old man. I asked him how long he had been in Scientology. He told me that it was about 10 years. And my next question was: “Oh, you must be OT VIII then”. His reply was: “No, I am on Clear”. I was very disappointed. And this was not the only time. One Auditor had a OT V certificate hanging behind him. But at some point he mentioned that it was not his. A world was falling into pieces. 20 years in Scientology, and just on Clear. What was wrong?
Another man was also just on Clear and he was so extremely shy, any tree had a better communication level. He got yelled at in the academy: “You don’t have a case here. Say it.” And when he finally said something and everybody was watching him, the course supervisor mentioned in a condescending voice: “See, it works!”
The ESTO constantly had some kind of eczema in his face. I have no clue what x-itis it was, but it has always been an outpoint for me. All in all these were all people like you and I. Nothing special. As PTS as anyone else.
The registrar used to smoke when I was in her room – another outpoint. And she used to harass me at work calling right in the middle of the day and asking for money. Oh, I was so pissed. Once, I told her that I did not want to play the fu..ing birthday game and that it was no game, because it was forced upon me. Guess what, I got an Ethics chit from her and it was the last time I spoke to her voluntarily.
And let me now come to my biggest wake-up, which was slumbering inside me ever since. I was on the Freewinds and doing the Route To Infinity course. On one of the tapes Ron said that as a child he was able to remotely read books from another room, but somehow lost his abilities during the years. For me it was a lie and I continued comparing this lie with each and every course I did afterwards.
You can easily imagine that open minded people cause a lot of trouble in such environment. It didn’t take a year and I was forced to do the full KSW course. I tell you what. Each time I was forced to do something, it kicked me out a little bit more.
But why didn’t I leave?
I got married and had my first child. My wife started to constantly ask for money. Her first request was birth auditing (I had paid for all courses up to Class V already, co-audit was a no-go). Several Org staff came to our house and harassed me. They told me what a bad and suppressive person I was. I said that there had been a few billion people on this Earth up to this day and that they all did not need birth auditing.
A few incidents were definitely not enough to blame my ex-wife for anything. In the following years she kept on asking for auditing for her and my children. We had many disputes. My main point always was the same: “My children are not insane. They can grow up without all this, like any other child. And if we don’t save any money, we will have to live on the streets someday.”
My ex-wife was the puppet for the Org. She didn’t work at all. Au pairs did the house hold while she was on course. Besides being the mother of my children she became useless for the family. I even had to iron my own shirts. How lovely are chores when you come home after spending 10 hours in the office. And in the evenings she said that she had been soooo busy all day long. I looked at her books with more than 800 pages each and started complaining quite often.
But who would abandon one’s family easily? As far as I know women, they are the first ones to mention the word “divorce” constantly. Men have much more to lose. They keep quiet, even when being degraded to a cash cow. This is my personal life experience backed by many stories. It can obviously be different for others. Most divorces are filed by women in the UK, because the law is strongly biased. I have read that it is as high as 90% in some areas. Men lose the regular contact to their children, the house and have to finance a freeloader life. Who does not get upset by this? I strongly disagree with the British divorce laws.
Divorce has always been a taboo for me. Not just because of the law. I believe that all children have the right to grow up in a family. Parents have to behave in their presence and should only fight when the kids are not nearby.
I would never ever abandon my children, no way! My wife was aware of this and threatened me more and more with divorce should I not pay her expensive courses and auditing. I was such an SP. I had the money, but I was not willing to give it to her. The Org saw it the same way. They didn’t care that she was no real mother. For them she was a source of income and that meant she was upstat – no need for ethics handlings. But guess what! The chaplain was visiting ME quite often to “put ethics in”.
By this time I had given up my personal goals to go exterior. I had paid in my bridge three times and each time it was torn into pieces by arbitraries – red tags, PTS and rudiments. These days I understand that it is hardly possible to pass rudiments. I think 80% of my folder was about rudiments by that time. Nobody can have Miscavige’s three swing F/N. And when you bypass F/Ns often enough, then you get scared to not F/N, which is making you non-F/N at all. This is such a vicious circle.
Just adding up my intensives at Flag, I should have been Clear twice. And my wife probably 4 to 5 times.
So, I was disillusioned and unsatisfied. Still, I did not leave. The costs were bearable, even when I included the IAS. My income was far above average, I could afford it.
I managed to make my wife pay for the child auditing. I was constantly invited by that child Auditior … as a suppressive being. Who did not want his children to be audited for huge sums – only SPs!
I was quietly leaving the cult and let my wife do all the stuff.
A big bonus at work then changed my point of view again (see, I am not using “viewpoint” anymore). There was plenty of money. I thought I could give it a last try. My so called hidden standard was “exterior”. That is a nice trap. You are not allowed to express any wish. This means, whatever you expect from Scientology is wrong. You only get what you do not wish secretly, otherwise it was a hidden standard and the “real why”, why you don’t get anything.
Scientology is built to blame you!
Their tech ALWAYS works!
So, you will never find out that it actually is them doing something wrong.
On one side I hoped that there was some truth in all the insanity. I had spoken to so many people who claimed to have been exterior with visio (being able to see something when leaving the body). I did not believe that all of them were lying to be “something special”. This is, how the cult works. People invent stories, because nobody wants to admit that he doesn’t get what others do get. But in fact nobody gets anything.
(There are many definitions for “exterior” in Scientology to confuse people – sometimes it means to be in a STATIC, sometimes it means to be in a kind of astral body, sometimes it simply means to not be effected by a problem.)
That the tech does not work and is just a subjective perception came clear to me the more I looked at false wins. You have to watch some “wins” from other cults and you will realise that this is the usual human behaviour. “I felt Jesus!”, “An angel showed up.”, “I was dead.”, “This was no coincidence, this was god.”, “I had an orgasm while listening to the Reverend.”
Hope was one factor for staying. The other factor was my family. And all the time I did have this cognitive dissonance. I did not disregard it. I did hide it. I never told these thoughts to any Auditor. This type of wins are forbidden. You are in trouble when having the cognition: “I just found out that Scientology is a scam in some areas”.
I hope you understand my reasons, why I did not leave earlier. My advice to you is:
Don’t wait that long! It is just a matter of time.
RUN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!
THERE IS TIME AND MONEY TO LOSE.
The right arguments in front of any lawyer and you always win.
The fair game doctrine and KSW1 are in your favour.
Yes, you will get attacked heavily. But you will save your children’s lifes in return.