It took more than 63 years of research, but now David Miscavige has finally found evidence for Body Thetans. They are green, they are hairy and they are mean! None of them is Clear, they are all degraded beings! Nevertheless they manage to influence people like demons.
Super Power made it possible. David Miscavige did invent a new type of magnifying glass. He did it all himself as “his staff is useless”, he complained. We could not believe it and bought one of these for just 50 grand (introductory offer) – what a bargain! It was really worth it. We checked it out on an old newspaper article, the result was astonishing!
We saw one of the worst Body Thetans sitting on the cheek of Tom Cruise. No way – we thought! And that was just possible, because we had this high-resolution picture of Tom’s side profile. He must have forgotten to audit this BT.
Our editorial staff immediately called Tom. We asked him to hold the phone to his cheek. And – by the gods of the truth – we talked to this BT, who told us that he was proudly making Tom divorcing Katie. His mission was given by a galactic emperor called Xenu. It was not the BT’s purpose to harm Tom – he was just “Command Intention”.
Tom was shocked. He said that he audited this guy five years ago and he still insists on sticking to his body. But what can Tom do? Use electro shocks like Biggi Reichert? Maybe some Clearasil helps? We told Tom that Vistaril could be worth a try and he agreed.
When the BT fell asleep, we quickly asked Tom if he considered visiting Suri next week. Tom replied that he was positive. But how could he possibly ask David Miscavige for permission? And at the same time he mentioned this, he suddenly started crying. He told us he now knows where this BT is coming from. He hugged David Miscavige. And this midget had a very creamy cheek on that day. It must have been one of these BT infested creams from Kirstie Alley.
He swore: “OMG!”
And then again: “Oh my f…..g God!”
Tom cried: “In Scientology it is always yourself, but this time it was Kirstie’s evil cream. I must immediately call my beloved Katie!”
Then Tom hung up.